Just one moment
It wasn’t the most pleasant late afternoon at the tail end of November. Drizzling rain overtaken Warsaw, treacherous drizzle seemed innocuous, but I knew that it will wet me completely in a short notice. As usual, I have been returning home on my trusted cycle. I zipped my jacket, put on gloves and hoodie tightly. I knew it won’t be particularly pleasant journey, but I gritted my teeth and tried to think rather about warm bath I will take at the end of it. It was routine everyday route, most of it leading through cycle lanes, which gave me feeling of security. I don’t have to worry about cars, biggest treat for cyclist, for the most times. There have not been a lot of other cyclists at the lane, at this part of the year, this part of the day. In fact, even car roads alongside seemed quite empty.
Then, single moment of life that will turn around months to come. I have been crossing the street at the crossing with lights, still at the cycle lane. I had clear green light so I didn’t even stop. I crossed first half of it and then something happened. I saw this short moment like cartoon or rather perhaps like video game. Something external to me, not something that happens to me, but rather to video game character I steer. A car that shouldn’t be there, that came from cross-section just was getting to hit me. However that moment seemed to last quite long, I realized I won’t manage to avoid it. It felt long, but somehow in the same time it snapped immediately. Before I knew it, I was lying on the wet street.
There have been some time between hit and when I regained consciousness. I don’t know how long it was. I woke up and looked around trying to understand what is going on. I was wearing thick winter jacket, but it was already completely soaked out of wet street. My bike was some surprising distance from me. I tried to stand up, the way I was laying I had to use my left arm, but I couldn’t manage despite of trying few times. I didn’t have strenght and I felt like trapped. There have been three people standing above me close to a car, perhaps the culprits. They said that I shouldn’t try to stand, that they already called for help and it should be here soon. Despite of unpleasantness of lying on street, awareness of coming help gave me reason to give up attempts to stand up. When I stopped trying to sit and completely put my back to rest, my backpack which I still was carried, naturally formed some sort of pillow. At least it helped separate me from cold street a little. I was already shivering from cold.
From the hindsight, knowing now how severe injury I got, it could seem silly what was my first thought after regaining consciousness. I didn’t think what happened to me that much, but rather: “It wasn’t my fault”. I kept repeating that in my mind and trying to reconstruct events already to see if there is anything that could be used against me. A few rounds of thinking about that helped to ease my mind and to focus on my current immediate situation. Painful irony, and perhaps reason behind my desperate attempts to find if anyone could blame me, was that just a week ago I had heated argument with someone complaining on cyclists. One of the argument of his was that cyclists should pay same amount of insurance as car user, as users of the road. I tried to argue that cars are far more dangerous for others, so it would be ridiculous and unfair.
An ambulance came actually soon. Paramedics taken me inside and started to take off some of my clothes. They tried to look up and do something about my arm, but it was too painful. Only then I had first glimpses of thought that it could be more serious than my first impression indicated. Paramedics complained on culprits who brought my backpack, presumable because moving stuff before police came would be not wise on their side. Police came soon as well and taken statement from me. Paramedics said that already on the fact that they take me to the hospital it would be classified as offence, rather than just street collision..
I landed eventually in bed in emergency room. My jacket and shoes were taken off, but I still had few layers of clothes. Good preparation for bad weather now worked against me. Nurses taken off some clothes and packed everything. They asked me if anyone could come for that soaked things, some friend or family. I really didn’t want to worry about anything now, especially something that felt quite dismissible as clothes. I didn’t want to inform anyone yet, not being sure what exactly is my situation. It was also already night, in the middle of the week, so I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. But I was forced to find someone to help. The only one I could think of at the moment, someone who could get himself together quickly and was in relative proximity to the hospital, was my friend Jan. I called him and tried to explain why I call so late, he promised to come as soon as he will be able. I remember that another piece of realization of how significant injuries I had was when I said to nurse that I need to pee. He said that there’s no way for the toilet for me, so I could choose between diaper or “duck”. I thought that diaper was just too much so I asked for “duck”. But I wasn’t able to use it. I couldn’t properly lift myself or move my left leg or left arm.
At first, still there in emergency room, I thought that I probably won’t be able to come to work until the end of the week. When I was moved from emergency room to silent room in hospital above, I started to realize how serious my injuries are. A few days out of work started to stretch to a month, to Christmas time, in my mind. There was a thought that maybe it could take even longer. I couldn’t even pee to diaper. My left arm hurt under slight movement and I couldn’t really move my left leg either. After a few hours I decided to call my parents. It was still late night or already early morning, somewhere around 4 AM, but I couldn’t postpone it any longer. I felt like I have to reassure my mother, she was really worried. I was saying that however serious it is, it doesn’t look like something that would cause permanent injury and there’s no reason to worry to much. Next day I was laying there in bed, not doing much of anything, not able to do anything but just use my phone, and even that just barely. My parents wanted to go immediately, but they didn’t manage to come same day, so they decided they will visit the next day.
During the day, I felt like I don’t really want to say anything to anyone yet about my situation. Informing my parents was critical, but after that it felt overwhelming. I expected that Jan would say something to some mutual friends, but nobody texted me asking about my situation, which I was glad. The only person I informed, besides Jan and my parents, was certain someone from Kerala I have been just texting with. She casually asked me how am I, so I ended up telling what happened. She called me and we talked for a long time, which was welcome social interaction that I was eager for that day. She was surprised that I felt quite cheerful, despite meticulously describing various injuries I already learned that I have. She is a nurse, so I wonder if she wouldn’t see people reacting variously to accidents, but apparently my attitude was unexpected.
I spent a few next days in the hospital. My parents came and spent most of the time with me. Some friends visited as well. The hospital stuff wanted to get rid off me as soon as possible, even though there were still pending issues that required medical help, like I still had problems with peeing and I had catherer injected me to help or I often had trouble breathing. Initially they wanted me to leave hospital at Friday — accident happened at the end of Tuesday so I was properly taken to hospital in night between Tuesday and Wednesday. But I required extensive care at home, but I couldn’t get it in Warsaw, so I had to be transported to my parent’s home, around 400 km from there. Such kind of medical transport wasn’t possible to organize quickly and I gained weekend until transported was organized for Monday.
Aftermath
Beyond my left arm, my pelvis was extensively injured due to which I couldn’t stand up and use my left leg. I ended up stuck in bed for next few weeks. Unfortunately, it meant that I had to manage such undignified things like toilet and hygiene at bed with help of my parents. They put me in the middle of the living room, so at least I was entertained by television and streamings. At the beginning I haven’t been able to read books even. It was difficult to hold books, left arm injured and in position I was able to manage. Eventually I started to read somehow a little bit. I started to use wheelchair little bit just for Christmas time, so I was at the table for traditional polish Christmas’s Eve feast. For a long time even using wheelchair for too long was really tiring and I returned to still lay in bed most of the time.
Eventually I have been using wheelchair more often and for longer periods of time. At some point we get courage to try to put me to bath. It was such a big relief and pleasure after almost two months of hospital-like hygiene routine. After wheelchair I get to use crutch, but only on right side, due to my left arm injury. More than walked, I jumped on my right leg which was perfectly fine. Around two weeks later I started to walk more naturally, but still with assistance of one crutch. At the time of writing those words, I started to slowly walk without assistance, completely on my own, just two days ago. When I walk, it feels as if I have bigger weight on my left side, left leg muscles lost their strenght after long period of no use. As my physiotherapists put it, it seems that we have it in family to heal quickly. My brother had even more serious accident just few years back.
To my surprise, it is my arm that seems to take way more time to heal than my pelvis, and by extension leg. While I saw progress with how I can use my leg almost on daily basis, sometimes I feel like I don’t see change even after a week with how much I can move my arm. I can use lower parts of my arm and my hand quite well, but I can’t move up or to the side to some degree. My physiotherapists said as if I had there very tight armor there that prevents me from moving it beyong some limit.
Such an unexpected break from regular life could understandably weight on person’s soul. I tried to keep positive attitude and use that time in a way that would be difficult otherwise. I read more books and consume other media. When I started to be more mobile, I also started to work more on this website as well. I try to learn and rethink various things in my life, prepare and plan what to do afterwards. One dream I have is probably in no way surprising for anyone that knew me for last few years. I dream that I will go for another longer trip to India after the end of my rehabilitation period.
It is still unsure how long I will stay on medical leave, how long I will be on therapy. I have planned three weeks stay in rehabilitation hospital at the beginning of April. I expect then that I will have my medical leave extended up to the end of May, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it will be extended even further. Things are quite fuzzy at the moment, but I hope to use given time as best as I can. On one hand there is desire in me to use this time “productively”, however fraught that thinking I found in general. On another, I give myself time for rest and relax. Reading books, watching movies, even just thinking, without hurry. I think I manage somehow, but of course, there’s limited time during the days. When I talk with people, they sometimes remark that I have a lot of time now. But it’s illusory to some degree. I want to do a lot of things, but whatever I choose, it takes time away from other things. But I try to have relaxed attitude even to that observation. I do whatever feels right and don’t beat myself too much over it. We will see what future will bring.