Day 30

The main plan for the day was to go to Mahabalipuram to see rock monuments - temples and statues carved in living rock from the early middle ages. It's in the middle between Pondicherry and Chennai - around 90 km, but I learned through Susmitha that there are often direct connections, because buses to Chennai are passing through Mahabalipuram.

I headed to the bus station and I decided to eat some idli along busy street just close to the station. Long day ahead of me and who knows how much time I will have for eating. But when I reached the station I saw that it's completely empty, not used. It was either under construction or renovation, I couldn't tell. I felt at loss, because I didn't know how could I find the bus now. There were various buses stopping nearby, but it was more like bus stop, not bus stand (terminal) so it was unlikely that I would be so lucky. I didn't know even who to ask, but then some guy greeted me and started to talk with me. He was Malayali, on vacation in Pondicherry. We exchanged Instagram and he recommended me various hiking places, already inviting to his place somewhere in Western Ghats. Despite my limited experience in hill stations, it's clear from his words and his pictures in Instagram that proper mountain hiking is possible here in South India, but probably I would need more local help or more research in this area to properly find out how or even ask proper questions what I want out of mountain tourism. He also called his friend in Pondicherry and helped me with buses. There is new bus stand, until the one I saw will be finished, and I should google "New bus stand Pondicherry". It worked and I said goodbye to head for my bus. I was quite frustrated with big road that I was going alongside with, because now I had to cross it. I'm here so long, but crossing the streets, especially these big ones, makes me anxious. I don't know if I ever can get used to that.

It was easy to find correct bus in the bus stand and the travel to Mahabalipuram was over one hour long, but otherwise without anything notable. It wasn't far to monuments from where the bus dropped me, but tuk tuk drivers was still looking for opportunities, but I was consistently ignoring them at this point.

I reached one park area where a lot of monuments could be found. At the ticket counter I saw information that buying ticket here would give me access to every other monument areas in Mahabalipuram. Ticket prices difference between Indian citizens and foreigners beaten all the records I saw here, including the ones in Kodaikanal. Indians pay only ₹40 and foreigners ₹600. In the end though the price wouldn't seem oddly big for me if not the comparison, which probably proves the point that it's affordable price for foreigners (although not every foreigner is equal and for some it could be big), but again it doesn't give good impression, especially if it comes out of governmental institutions (in this case some archeological society).

I strolled around the park. It was full of big rocks and it was going up and down so it wasn't readily apparent how far it stretches. Alleyways were nicely laid down and there were signs leading from monument to monument. Despite signs it took me long time wandering around before I started to get good grasp of topography of the park and where various monuments are relative to each other. Monuments here are carved in "living rock" as it's called - meaning carved out of naturally standing rock. The first that I saw was relief of elephants and a little boy was playing with his toys in front of it, so it was hard for me to take a photo without catching him. The next one was a shrine and already at this point I gave up tedious idea of trying to photograph monuments when nobody blocks the view, because there were always many people posing to their own photos or just looking around. I was going around, finding shrines and temples with various figures in them. My general impression was of older provenience of sculptures than I saw elsewhere so far, but characters depicted had their own charm. Animals like elephants, monkeys, bulls, lions and mythological beings. Humans and gods in various situations - around thrones, battles or daily life perhaps. There were nothing explicitly sexual, but minimal clothes and alluring poses could bring certain sensual impression for modern observer. At least that was my own impression. One additional thought occurred to me while wandering around. Sellers in India have indomitable spirit, because whenever I went, up and down the hills and rocks, there were some sellers, laying down their products on the ground. Cheap plastic toys, drinks, snacks and fruits coated in masala.

Despite the fact that complex of monuments was open air, it felt labyrinthine in a way. When I was sure that I saw everything that there were to see in the park, I left it to see one big monument just outside. It was so-called Arjuna's Penance or Descent of the Ganges. It was huge rock split in the middle with head-spinning crowd of characters, the most noticeable were elephants at the bottom right and nagas in the split in the middle. Just on its left was some temple that was apparently not completely finished inside. I bought there thin book about Mahabalipuram monuments. Normally I don't feel like buying such locally published books, their quality can be lacking, but I liked it sketchy black and white illustrations.

I headed into direction of Pancha Rathas, but on the way I entered one part of park that I somehow missed and entered kind of tower, if it's proper description. Big crowds made it slow climb and at the top I went around circular balcony. After returning to the road I again strayed from the path and entered Maritime Museum just close to lighthouse. It was museum depicting history of ships, but also, if not predominantly, technology of lighthouses. When I left it I started to feel that it slowly getting late and I still have a lot to see. Pancha Rathas were complex of five structures like temples plus other statues like elephant and lion standing in sandy field. After short time walking around it I headed back to the direction of the park from where I turned and went to Shore Temple. I started to be hungry, but I was slowly running out of time so I ignored it for the time being. Shore Temple was comparatively way bigger than any other monuments in Mahabalipuram, but it wasn't as big as plenty of temples from further centuries that I saw everywhere during my travels. It wasn't functional temple and its placement close to ocean waves beating the rocks gave me certain melancholic vibe. The area around Shore Temple apparently wasn't accessible to sellers, but it didn't deter them even a bit. Few ladies were standing behind metal bar fence at the shore rocks and selling their masala mangoes through online payments. It was quite amusing view.

After that I decided that time to return. Everything was closing soon either way. I was hungry, but I didn't want to eat anything bigger there, because I wasn't sure if later I will be able to catch some bus to Pondicherry. So I just grabbed some snacks. At the way I allowed myself to enter some modern temple, just to look around. Some older man approached me and asked if he could make photo of his daughter with me. The little girl was around 5 years old. She looked in the same time scarred of me and excited. He told me to hold her, but I wasn't sure how I suppose to do that. She wasn't baby to just carry her in arms and "the cradle" grab somehow felt inappropriate too. I grabbed her under her arms and hold high. It couldn't be comfortable for her, but it was fortunately very short.

When I was returning to the bus stop I felt nagging anxiety slowly building up in me. For the next day I had Auroville to visit, but also I supposed to find transport back to Kerala. I didn't know how to fit that into one day. I thought that maybe I should go for night bus as I arrived to Pondicherry, but I wasn't able to pay online on my own. It will be the longest journey so far. But even more pressing and worrisome was the fact that my plans for last days in Kerala were under question. Tini had some exams in Trivandrum at the time so she couldn't meet. Without meeting Tini, I couldn't really meet Nicha either. Tini said previously that she'll let me know if she'll get any idea, but I knew that at this point I need to remind her.

I barely entered the bus, it was so crowded and I had to stand. I hoped to sit comfortably in order to deal with aforementioned issues during the travel. One girl said that she'll be leaving at the next station and I could sit at her place. She was very insistent and protective that I should sit and nobody else. My life training was adjusted to leaving sit for elderly and other people potentially in greater need for that. But I was so tired and I worried about my problems so I allowed for my privilege to be thrown at me and I sat when she left.

I texted Tini with question if she have some ideas. She responded surprisingly quickly for her. Unfortunately she basically repeated what I already knew - that she's busy with exams in different city and nothing really changed. I was constantly texting meanwhile with Nicha, consulting what to do and what to say. I felt despair and Nicha seemed in similar anguish, because it meant that we won't meet, something we both waited and discussed for so long. Out of desperation I asked Nicha if I should ask Tini if it would be okay to meet with her family in Kollam without her. That kind of feedback loop felt necessary to step carefully around the problem. Maybe worth to note is that at no point I ever mentioned Nicha in particular, Tini didn't either, but I felt unsaid implicit undercurrent was there. Tini said that it won't be possible, because her family gathered for her wedding and either way they probably busy. That was like a hit, it didn't feel exactly true. Part of her family maybe wasn't there, but some chunk was in Kollam. I asked Nicha about that and she felt surprised with the response and she said that apparently Tini doesn't approve of the idea. That was my impression, but hearing that interpretation from Nicha was like final confirmation that my plans to meet with her completely crumbled. However strange Tini's response was, I didn't really want to analyze and dwell into it. I latched into naked fact that my plans for meeting with Nicha decidedly fell apart.

Earlier I promised Nicha that I will let her read the diary after our meeting. I wanted to properly confess my feelings towards her in person, before she'll read the diary and learn about that from it. Now it all became irrelevant under new circumstances. I thought that I can't really wait for next meeting in unspecified future when I'll return to India or anything like that. I decided that there's nothing left than to confess her over text, however imperfect that felt. I started to circle around the topic, saying that she probably already know about all that, but I still want to tell it explicitly. And yet she claimed she has no idea what I mean. Finally I said it in concise, precisely thought out message. And then she rejected me. Physically I was sitting firmly at the bus seat, but I felt like everything around me fell apart. I couldn't believe it. I was so sure that my feelings are reciprocated, like never before in my life.

My mind rewinded back in time, as if scanning all the memories related to her to adjust and fit them into new fact of rejection. I remembered our first meeting and our talk at the first day of the wedding, how it seemed we connected quickly. The way she was seeking me and keeping close to me. We were almost inseparable at the last day, despite of all the teases from the family. There were a lot of things that I interpreted as favorable signs. She touched my hair and made a lot of photos us together and leaned into me at them. It looked for me that she reacts favorably to all my so obvious flirting. But it wasn't only during the wedding. We were in constant contact throughout my journey, she was always concerned and wanted to be updated. She was eager to spend long hours into the night to keep chatting with me, even after her return to regular working hours. We were fantasizing about our next meeting. It wasn't insignificant in my mind that her family also seemed to interpreted us as being mutually attracted to each other. It's impossible to list all things that I interpreted as favorable. No singular thing would be enough to gain conviction, but sheer amount of these small behaviors weighted heavily and I developed almost certainty that there are mutual feelings.

It wasn't only these apparent signs that I looked through the memories. I recollected other things about her. The care she had for me, during the wedding and afterwards. Optimism and enthusiasm she had towards her work. Her grace and natural dancing skills. How funny her expression is when she's tired. Her beauty and her irresistible smile. Her dreamy eyes. Let's that be indication of attraction to that woman.

Whatever are usual emotions accompanying rejection, at first moment the emotion that completely submerged all the other was utter shock. I simply didn't expect that at all. I was convinced that there are mutual feelings like never before in my life. Usually it is possible to see some signs that woman is not interested. If not before being rejected or realising on my own about lack of reciprocity, I could always notice at least retrospectively some signs that a woman didn't feel the same about me. I couldn't find anything like that from Nicha even now.

After return to Pondicherry I decided that I need to go to my stay first to ask for advices for transport back to Kerala. In a way, at least in this regard it made things easier. I didn't really know how to go from Pondicherry to Kollam, something that looks like very unnatural route. But I could head directly to Kochi now. I asked the lady managing stay and I thought about going to Auroville next day morning and after that quickly take something to Kochi, but she suggested that there's no need to hurry and I can stay one more day and start in the morning two days from now. She was also in a hurry and said that she can check options and say tomorrow. I was resigned and emotionally tired so I just pushed worries about travel for later.

I went to the promenade at the coast, exhausted and hungry, eating barely anything throughout the day. Nicha suddenly stopped responding until the end of the day since then. When I arrived there it was already dark. I felt completely broken down, but somehow, I was responding with the smiles and occasional chatter that became already inescapable fabric of my experience in India. Dark waves of the ocean beating over the rocky shore had somewhat calming effect, as I hoped, but it would be overstatement to say it helped a lot overall.

I went to eat something and at the time mom texted me, asking about the day. She wanted to be updated often, daily if possible, but she started to use texting more often to remind me, instead of calling. I was glad that she didn't call, because I was sure that if she would hear my voice then she would realize immediately that something happened. I written her about visit to Mahabalipuram, but omitted everything related to broken heart.

I returned to my stay and I thought how unfortunate that such heartbreak happened at the only time when I wasn't in a single room. Otherwise I would feel more comfortable to let out my emotions. Here, although dormitory room was dark and people seemed to sleep, I was bottling up my feelings and tried to go to sleep.

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