Day 31

I woke up with awareness that sleep barely healed my wounded heart so far. It came out that Nicha went silent yesterday, because she dug deep into my diary and she stayed at night until she read it whole. She started to ask me questions when I was already sleeping. Since the morning we started to chat constantly during the day. I feel like our chat started to be more and more bizarre. Out of deep confusion and broken heart, I strained into weird topics with ocassional self-pitiful dark humor. In the light of yesterday's confession it felt as if we weren't sure how to relate to each other now. It was clear though that we both don't want to stop or even slow down our contact.

I felt that I really don't have to be in a hurry to Auroville, but I didn't want to go too late either, so I decided to go eat something and only then headed to bus stand. It was hard to orient myself at this big bus stand and find bus to Auroville, but I knew that there suppose to be some bus to Auroville. Line of tuk tuk drivers wanted to give me a ride, but I didn't want to hear about it. I couldn't find anything to Auroville proper, but I jumped at a bus that was going to Auroville beach. When I was already at the bus I checked at the map and I realized that Auroville beach is quite a distance to Auroville as such. When I left at Auroville beach I couldn't see any obvious transport to Auroville so I decided to just go there on foot.

On the map it looked like area under Auroville is quite vast, but when I crossed supposed borders as shown on map, there were no apparent signs on the ground. There were indirect signs of proximity to famous experimental community though. Buildings were sparse as standards for India go. There were ads for homestays and various "hippie" activities (for lack of a better term). There were signs discouraging from littering by cartoon Earth. I could feel certain difference, but the proper center of Auroville was still ahead of me.

Except occasional motorbike or car, I felt that I'm quite alone for once. There were no passersby, nobody around who would inevitably notice me. That's quite rare in India for me and now I didn't even had single room that would allow me to be alone for a little. So here, at the forest road leading to Auroville, I couldn't kept inside my boiling emotions, they burst out of me. I sat at some tree and just wept a little. It didn't take long, but I felt relieved to some degree. When I get myself together I thought that I need to fasten my pace, because there could be too little time to see Auroville center. At some point there were more building and some guy offered me to give me a lift on motorbike to visitors center and I take the offer.

Starting from tourist center I headed by forest route towards Matrimandir viewpoint. Matrimandir is golden globe building that serves as heart of Auroville and meditation center. The route was nice and well kept. In tourist center there were displays showcasing history of Auroville. Just after it I met old lady and her malayali friend that I met in Munnar. We both were nicely surprised, but we just talked a little and went into opposite directions. Farther along the route to Matrimandir I visited point of interests like arts gallery and animal art display. The viewpoint was quite far from Matrimandir in fact, separated from it by some big irrigation works. Matrimandir was closed at Sundays, but either way I didn't make reservation for entrance. From Susmitha I knew that in order to enter I should make reservations at least few days before visiting Auroville. But I felt that my exact plans were in flux, I didn't know if I would need to return to Kerala sooner etc. From hindsight I should make reservations either way. Everything I saw was nice, but I felt that I didn't really have any glimpse into actual lives of Auroville, it felt remote. Entering Matrimandir perhaps would mitigate that feeling.

At viewpoint I had to sit and calm a little. This visit was like attempt to distract myself, but I couldn't really forget that easily. It was paradoxical that the only person I felt comfortable with sharing at this time was the girl which was the cause of my emotional whirlwind. She seemed not to understand why I couldn't get over with this just after one day. She couldn't make it work that simply, but her desperate attempts to make me happy actually made me laugh at some point.

I decided that I had enough of observing Matrimandir from the distance so I started to return. I saw that something is happening at theatre hall and I entered it. I felt unsure if I can just enter like that, but apparently it was open event. I didn't have network connection and I worried that Nicha can be worried, but I decided that it's okay to vanish just a little. I think I entered just at the beginning. Group of girls has been making bharatanatyam dance show. I was confused and I couldn't decide if it's group of kid girls or if they are adult women with dwarfism. However bizarre that dilemma can seem, my mind couldn't easily accept that little girls could wear such a heavy make up and be adorned with such intricate clothes and jewelry. But they were kids, I judged in the end. Clock was ticking and I wasn't sure how I will return to Pondicherry at this time, but I was spellbound by performances. I realized that I never saw bharatanatyam in India so far, only on Indian events in Poland, so I was glad for stumbling into it. At the beginning girls were dancing together and this part was the most interesting for me. I tried to stay until the end and see all individual performances, but I decided to exit before the end.

After leaving I saw that there is big gathering outside. Whatever kind of event that was, they were distributing food for free. Even though I just decided that I need to return, I couldn't really refuse free food, especially because I didn't really eat much since the morning. Again I wasn't sure if I can just get it, but nobody protested when I entered queue for food and get my portion. After eating I started to look for some transport to Pondicherry, but I was at loss there. In the dark forest road, it looked like I won't have much luck, so I kept close to two white women, which were probably looking for transport too. But somehow a tuk tuk came and women talked with the driver, but apparently they weren't convinced about something so they didn't took it. It was the best option I could think about at the moment for myself, but I asked him about the price to Pondicherry beforehand either way. I was mildly satisfied so I took it.

After return to Pondicherry I went straight to promenade. I didn't really want to say goodbye to Pondicherry quite yet, so I was going back and forth along the coast, trying to enjoy as much as I could. It was calmer than in previous days, especially when there were concerts, but it was fitting for me at that time. Eventually I had to return to bed, because I wake up early next day and long road ahead of me. I returned with heavy heart, because it was my last stop in a way, Kochi being just a return.

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